5 Things That Make A Successful Marriage
So, first thing’s first.
Every relationship and marriage dynamic is its very own entity – it’s unique and individual to you and your partner, and I am a big believer that there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to sharing your life with another person.
What works for one couple could be another couple’s absolute nightmare and vice versa, so do take what I’m about to say with a big chunk of pink Himalayan salt.
That being said, I do believe that there are some universal truths that can serve and benefit every relationship.
As a celebrant I’ve met a lot of couples and I have seen first hand the approaches to relationships that work well, and I’ve also been witness to the things that tend to trip couples up – before their weddings, on the day and one into their marriages.
So whilst I definitely don’t have all the answers, here are some of what I’ve observed along the way.
Think of this as a bit of a pottery class. These bits of advice are pieces of clay I’m about to throw your way.
Your relationship is the kiln, so how it ultimately comes out and the shape it takes is up to you and your partner, but here’s a few pointers about how I think you can both best sink your proverbial thumbs in, and maybe even have your very own Ghost moment….
Blinded by the barrage of metaphors?
Hmm, me too.
Right! Palette knives at the ready…let’s begin…
(Brutal) Honesty
I think honesty is the very first building block of a successful relationship, because everything else rests on this.
As long as honesty is paramount, no one will feel misled or foolish or betrayed if this aspect is protected.
The level of honesty I’m referring to is more in reference to absolute honesty, even when it isn’t fun, but it is necessary in the long term, in my opinion. This kind of honesty can be a little sharp and uncomfortable, but it’s in these moments where you and your partner may experience a certain level of friction, but you will grow together the most. You will understand each other better and be safe in the knowledge that you are both your truest selves.
Honesty is the best way to respect your partner. Be honest with them, at all costs. Because the cost of not being honest is so much higher.
It’s also very important to point out that by ‘brutal honesty’ I absolutely don’t mean saying things with the intention of hurting the other person. The honesty should always be shared in a considerate and gentle way that serves the relationship and shows respect and care for your partner.
Trust and Choosing Each Other
Another cornerstone of a successful relationship is trust. Trust is so precious and is so easily broken, so you both need to commit to protecting this element of your partnership. Whilst jealousy is a very natural feeling that often stems from some kind of insecurity, it’s important to not let this infect your relationship, as jealousy undermines trust. If you have trust in your relationship, and your partner isn’t giving you any reason to doubt this, then rest safe in the knowledge that your partner is choosing you over all the other people in the world on a daily basis, and has committed to a life with you.
This being said, it is really important to reinforce this within your daily actions. We all want to feel wanted and important to our partners. So even though life of course has its challenges, stresses can be overwhelming and we can at times accidentally slip easily in taking each other for granted, be warned that this is dangerous territory.
So whatever is happening, if you can give each other a daily reassurance that you appreciate and love one another (it can be as simple and small as stopping what your doing for 10 seconds to give them a spontaneous hug), then it will only feed your mutual sense of trust and safety in the relationship.
Regular Check Ins
Checking in with your partner regularly is a really lovely and healthy way to see how each other is feeling, if either of you feel worried about anything, and is a chance to bring up anything (big or small) that may be playing on your minds. This regular check in, where you both stop what your doing and give each other your full attention, and really ask the other if they are okay and if there is anything they want to chat about or bring up; this will be a positive action where you have a platform where you can voice concerns or small annoyances to stop them turning into resentment and contempt for each other.
Resentment and contempt are the two things that most commonly poison relationships. What so often happens is that lots of small annoyances have built up over time, much of which has gone unsaid between the couple in an attempt to ‘keep the peace’. Eventually the small annoyances feed each other and become much bigger ones, and ultimately it can become irreparable, with the shape of the relationship starting to shift and change for the worse.
A great analogy I’ve heard over the years is, you can either pay the bill item by item where it’ll cost you a little of your time and energy in the moment, but you can sleep easy knowing you’ve balanced the books. Or you can fool yourself and avoid the bill as it mounts up and up over days, months, even years, until the cost becomes much bigger than you can afford…
So, the moral of the story is: always strive to balance the books with each other.
Intimacy
Intimacy is a broad term, and can be confused with just meaning sexual contact, when it actually encapsulates a much richer and broader spectrum of components within a relationship.
Physically, it’s the every day little touches, caresses and kisses as you walk past each other in the kitchen.
The cuddling. Snuggling up on the sofa to watch your favourite tv show. Listening to their heartbeat.
Emotionally, it’s flirting. Laughing. In-jokes. Crying together. Feeling emotionally safe with them. Treating them as your confidant. Not having secrets. Telling them your fears. Telling them your hopes. Feeling truly seen, heard and known by your partner.
And of course intimacy is an understanding of yours and your partner’s preferred love languages, and how you use all of them, but perhaps in understanding yourself and your partners needs, can tailor them to fit your own relationship.
The Five Love Languages are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time and Gifts.
Knowing the order that you and your partner would prioritise them, discussing how you both like to give and receive love is really important, and it may be different for you and your partner.
Understanding this will make you appreciate and understand each other more intimately, develop your knowledge of how to make your partner feel most loved and appreciated, and only serve to enhance your relationship.
(For more information on the Love Languages, check out the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)
Nurturing Other Relationships
Whilst I’m sure your partner is your favourite person, it’s important to acknowledge that they can not fulfil every single need of yours and neither can you for them. The saying is, “it takes a village”, often times when talking about child care, but I think that it also applies to all of us long past the era of childhood and is so needed as we journey throughout our lives. We need to build our own village and community of people we love, that we trust and can rely on. It would be unfair to expect one person to be your village.
So alongside nurturing your romantic partnership, I really encourage you to put sometime and energy into maintaining and nurturing the other relationships in your lives, with both friends and family.
You’ll both be so much happier for it, and you can also share your communities with each other.
Other people to cry with, laugh with, confide in and weather the ebbs and flows of life with.
Of course it takes more than just five things to have a successful, fulfilling and loving partnership, and I could list a lot more, but I do think that if these five key aspects are honoured and protected by you and your partner, then it’ll stand you both on solid ground and hopefully keep you
full of heart for each other for years to come.
