What (Not) To Say When Someone Dies

It’s hard to know what to say to someone when their loved one dies. With death comes shock, sadness, grief and often times carry a residue of other complex emotions like guilt, regret and even anger.

It feels so big and personal and loaded with sadness. It’s hard to stare death in the face at the best of times even on a theoretical level, so when death is right there and happening it can be difficult to know how to navigate this situation when you’re on the outside looking in and be there for someone.

They are currently experiencing raw grief and wrapping their minds around the realities of their loss, and in real terms, there really isn’t anything you can do or say that will completely alleviate this massive shift for them.
But there are things that you can say and do which can help them and provide a safe environment, a softness to cushion them through this experience, and the smallest of things can make a bigger impact than you’d expect. 

On the flip side on this, there are also things that a person can say or do which hurt and can make this experience feel even harder. 

The temptation from the outside is to think “they are probably so busy right now, I don’t want to disturb them, so I won’t do anything”…but, in my opinion, this isn’t helpful AT ALL, and will leave the person who is grieving feeling isolated and alone at one of the most disorientating and traumatic times in their life. 

These tips are my opinions and based on my own experience, so I hope they are helpful and provide some guidance as a resource, but of course feel free to ignore them if they don’t resonate with you.

When my mum died I was so lucky to have such wonderful people around me. My partner and friends rallied around me, they were so thoughtful and loving, and I couldn’t have felt more supported. It made such a huge difference.

But I also experienced some conversations and actions that I could have done without.

So, based on my experience and observations…

Don’t…Expect A Reply
Replying to messages can be a bit overwhelming at the best of times, but when you’re in the thick of grief, planning a funeral and trying to keep steady day to day, replying goes right out of the window. Days and even weeks go by and you still haven’t replied to that person, and it becomes yet another thing on your to do list.
Trust me, they don’t want to be rude and they are so thankful and touched by the kind message you sent, but they just don’t have the bandwidth or capacity to reply. So don’t feel disheartened if you send a message of condolence and don’t receive a reply for a while, it’s not personal.
In fact, one lovely thing to do is end your message with ‘and please don’t worry about replying, this is just a message of love and to let you know you’re being thought of’. And exhale! Message perfection.

Don’t Turn Up Unannounced
When a loved one dies you aren’t on a regular timeframe or schedule. You can’t eat or sleep, you might shower at 3pm and be back in your pyjamas ready for your next cry at 5pm, followed by looking at photos and videos of your loved one until roughly 2am, and you kind of need the freedom and space to allow this to happen. So then if you ‘just pop by’ you really don’t know at which stage you’ll find them, and at this point it will feel more like an intrusion. The person grieving will feel pressure to host you and ‘be normal’ for a bit, which can feel like too much pressure at such a raw time, and so incredibly tiring, draining them of their already quite limited resources.
So call ahead, plan meet ups but pretty please don’t just turn up.

Don’t…Be Dismissive
The temptation sometimes is to ‘look on the positive side’ with your responses when someone is reporting something that is heavy, sad and quite upsetting. However this can feel quite dismissive, and that you’re not giving the moment the gravity it deserves. It makes the person grieving feel as though you are impatient with their sadness. This leads to making them feel uncomfortable, self-conscious and insecure as to whether they can really feel free to share the truth of what they’re going through with you. The best thing to do is to acknowledge their feelings, really hear what they’re saying, and sit in the sadness with them. Give them their moment.
Also, I would stay away from phrases like ‘we’re all going to die one day’, ‘they wouldn’t want you to be sad…’ or ‘well that’s life though isn’t it’ – these phrases come across as so incredibly dismissive, and it minimises the person’s grief experience. From this, the only message the person grieving is hearing is ‘can you hurry up and not be sad now please’. These phrases invalidate their feelings and makes them feel embarrassed for being so cracked open and emotional in a place they thought they were safe enough to do so.

Don’t…Compare
We’ve all experienced grief in some way or another, that’s a given, whether it’s the breakdown of a relationship, a pet dying or a person we love dying, but the absolute worst sentence you can say is one starting with the words: ‘I know exactly how you feel…’ and then going on to talk about your own grief and equate it with their grief.
The truth is that whilst we all may know grief in some capacity, one experience is not the same as the other.
When my mum died, I was sharing my experience with someone I know quite well, I told her in tears about going to see my mum in the hospital and sitting with her after she had died. I told her how it made me feel and how I just longed for her to wake up.
In response they said: ‘I know exactly how you feel, when my cat died…’ and then continued to tell me about seeing the body of their pet after it had been put down. And whilst I’m not trying to diminish the grief that comes when losing an animal, there’s no other way to say it other than: it just isn’t the same thing. I put it down (pardon the pun!) to this person trying to wedge a piece of her grief experience into a puzzle that it didn’t fit in, in a vague attempt to relate to me. Remember, grief is grief, but it’s not all the same.
Not every experience is relevant to every experience. Read that again.

Do…Contact Them
Send a text, voice note, a card, or flowers…any or all the above. Even just a text saying ‘I’m so sorry to hear this, and I’m thinking of you’ goes further than you’ll ever know. To feel thought about and to have the heaviness of your grief and this massive moment in your life recognised by someone close to you is so important. To reach out to someone in grief makes them feel understood and seen. I will always maintain that receiving something by post is so incredibly lovely. By opening a card or some flowers, it takes you away from the heavy grief and inevitable admin even just for 60 seconds, and it is such a welcome relief. To have the beauty of flowers in your home during such a hard moment is one I didn’t realise would mean so much. It provided a lightness that was so needed, and was a daily visual reminder that not only was I was thought of, but they also acted as a reminder that beauty can still exist in sorrow.

Do…Offer Time and Food…& Be Specific
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘I’m here for you, let me know if you need anything’ – which on the surface the sentiment is lovely, but that is where it will stay…on the surface, and I’d confidently say that nine times out of ten the person who hears this won’t reach out, because it’s hard to ask for help, especially with quite a vague offer, and the easiest thing is to retreat into yourself. You don’t want to feel like you’re burdening anyone with all your heavy emotions.
Whereas if you reach out and say ‘would you be up for me coming round sometime this week, maybe Thursday?’ Or ‘do you want to meet up for a coffee this weekend?’ then you’re actually specifically offering time in a real sense and still being flexible, so the person grieving is more likely to take you up on this, and actually seeing you will really help.
Also, the practicalities of food and eating goes out of the window when you’re grieving. Appetites can fluctuate and every day tasks like cooking can suddenly feel overwhelming.
One of my friends sent me two weeks worth of frozen high protein vegan meals (for context, I’m vegan and quite into the gym) and each meal was ready in 7 minutes or less. This was so incredibly thoughtful and it showed such care and support. She didn’t ask or offer, she just did, and that showed such incredible thought.
Another one of my friends came round to my house for a coffee and a cuddle, and she pulled out some tupperware with a homemade bolognese, which I could keep in the freezer for whenever I needed it. These acts feel so huge and wonderful to the person receiving them.

Do…Listen
Most of the time, all the grieving person needs is: a presence. You don’t have to say or do anything poetic or radical, just being there is huge.
When someone you love dies, you are full of thoughts and feelings. Often times the road to the events leading up to the person’s loved one dying may be long and winding, or perhaps short and brief; either way the person who is grieving may need to talk about it all and monologue at you, because a lot of the time they are connecting the dots themselves and speaking their thoughts out loud can really help them process big heavy feelings.
Talking with someone you love and trust is so precious and appreciated at such a hard time. This is their most raw and emotional state, so the fact they feel safe to talk with you is a real testament to the strength of your friendship and relationship. They will remember this moment forever. It’s a sobering moment when the people who you think might reach out don’t and the ones who really matter and care about you do.

Do…Go To The Funeral
If they invite you, and if you can, do go to the funeral. The support they will feel having you there is next level.
Sometimes funerals are busy events and sometimes they can be sparse. One thing I really appreciated was having a big group of friends at my mum’s funeral. They were there to bear witness to my mum’s life, hear her story and take note of her legacy. They laughed and cried with me as I paid tribute to the most important person in my life. Having them there made me feel so supported.
Plus, the relief at seeing them at the wake after was lovely, it was great to be able to talk with them, cuddle them and share food with them. It became a social event of celebration. You’re surrounded by your favourite people, celebrating one of your most loved ones and paying tribute to their life all together. It’s a powerful thing.

So in summary, I would encourage you to reach out, demonstrate an action of care without the expectation of a response, listen, and to give them the gravity of this moment.

Of course these are my thoughts and based entirely on my own experience, so please do keep what is helpful and discard anything that isn’t.
That said, I sincerely hope these pointers are somewhat useful and that they can be a good guide for the future when navigating how best to support someone when their loved one has died.